Reached Or Left?

I am back at home now. I guess, by now, everybody (from NITC) will be under their home ceiling. Just sitting on my couch and thinking about all these 4 years creates a medley of emotions in me. It brings about that part in me who is very consciously trying to fight the repercussions of separation. The feeling of getting separated from the ones you love and have lived with leaves a big void in your life, which will take time filling. The moment I left the college I knew it was going to be difficult, nevertheless inevitable. I was wondering why this feeling of total separation doesn’t come if we are getting separated from our parents or relatives? Why alone that friendship be given this treatment? Why can’t we take it as the way it is when we separate our relatives? That is, having a hope that we are going to reunite no matter what. I was trying to be foolishly practical when it came to bidding farewell to my near and dear ones at the college. I kept on reassuring myself that no matter what I am not going to lose touch with these friends of mine. But then another part of me asked, “This is what you told me when you left 10^th and 12^th?, how can you be so sure that you will be in touch with all of them no matter what?”. I just thought for a second and asked one of my other parts, have I been true to my conscience? Have I kept the similar promise I made during my 10^th and 12^th? I got a very prompt answer- NO! I am neither in touch with many of my old friends nor do I feel guilty or sad about it. Of course I am not speaking about my immediate circle of friends I had in my past, I do feel guilty that I cannot keep in touch with them. I am talking about those friends whom I did not spend much time with but still had a significant role in my life back then. Anyway no matter how much I reassure myself it’s a bare naked truth that i can’t keep in touch with everybody. I can only think of being in touch with the close ones who were there through thick and thin. But that also looks bleak, considering the fact that I might end up any where in the globe 5 years from now. It’s very human to adapt to situations. No matter how big a loss, our human brain is programmed to adapt to changes, simply people change. The things that matter to us now will be just a long forgotten dream later. I am desperately fighting against developing that feeling when it comes to my friends at NITC. I want to do my best to remember them and cherish the memories we had. I have started to accept that if I have a feeling I necessarily do not need to act on it. I have a feeling of separation now, if I start telling myself that this is it, it is going to be difficult to meet again, even if we meet again after a long time that bonding won’t be there and our love will diminish, I am doing great injustice to my friends and their feelings. So I decided to be brave and face it. When the Tata Sumo came to pick me up and I had all my friends, (barring a few) who mattered beside me, warrier vvs, britto, joseph, bijoy, sridhar, nithin and hari.I did not want to cry. I did not cry too. I felt depressed at leaving them, but hoping that we will meet soon again ( I am planning to go to ernakulum and meet them on may 15th I really cant wait for that day now). I was going to the city in the car, me lakshmi, hari and nithin were supposed to meet up for probably the last lunch we could have together at mezban calicut. They both were coming in a different car while me and nithin in one car. These people are one of the closest friends I have in my college. On the way to mezban I was profusely apologizing for the mistakes I did to all. We finally ended up in mezban. An air of silence seemed to fill us and we were not speaking to each other the way we used to. For some reason me and nithin did not feel it and were being normal while the other two were showing mixed emotions. I did not want this feeling to encompass me. I did not want to perish under this. I was determined not to show a teary face. I somehow managed for quite a while, actually I knew that there is no point in crying but whenever lakshmi cried, hari used to let her cry. Somehow I couldn’t see the two persons I love the most, my best friends and my best critics, crying. I kept on reassuring myself that time is a better healer (although I never believed that, I believe doing certain things is a better healer). At the entrance of the hotel when we were about to part I couldn’t stand it. I had to leave now. I bid farewell to both and went into the car. The car left and as I saw their faces zooming out I looked at myself into the mirror and saw a small tear rolling out. Then everything came as a flash, all my friends faces when I left the hostel, my NITC campus and every single thing associated with it. I was resisting myself from crying because I hate crying. I hate myself weeping over the inevitable. It was one of those times where your heart rules over your mind. And now I am here on my couch with laptop on my lap, not knowing how to express my feelings to all those I loved. I don’t know if I have left my home or just reached it!